Real change happends slowly. . .

jelly fish sky

Today while I was raking leaves, I took a break to lay down upon my porch and gazed at the clouds for a while. It was meditative to just sit there and admire the slowly morphing clouds above my head. I saw jelly fish, whales, some triangles and a pitch fork. The sky that was morphing ever so slightly, yet drastically all at once, reminded me as humans, we aren’t really too different from the sky above. We are always changing, always evolving and sometimes, just as the sky, if you don’t stop to look once in a while you can’t really see the change within.

I’ve been working on changes within my self as of late, and I have felt frusteration feeling as if I am not changing at all. But admiring the clouds earlier reminded me how hard it can be to see change within ones self. Patience is a virtue I am learning and I hope to continue learning through out the rest of my life. 

Something else that is also on my mind, which also sparked up from watching the sky this evening, is how temporary and fragile EVERYTHING truly is. Just another reason to truly appreciate and love every moment you are alive. The weight of being so temporarily physical can be heavy to bare but at the same time, it is beautiful. I don’t know if I would like to physically exist in this form forever. Or maybe I would, it would feel pretty sweet to tell people I was 1055 years old (I just imagined a cake with 1055 candles on it and laughed pretty hard). 

This journey can be quite a mystery. It feels like I am constantly trying to solve a puzzle where the solution is impossible to recognize. I get clues every once and while, and feel I get close to a solution but ultimately, I never do. I will never stop questioning this mystery I am living and I pray that I will always find the beauty within it. 

Morning Pages

I know I talk about change a lot, but I am learning how real change can happen quickly these days. About a month and a half ago I was crying every single day. I was being yelled at, put down. Critized for everything I did. I would come home in fear because I didn’t know what I would do wrong this time. Walking on egg shells was an everyday.

I went from a naturally really balanced, confident and happy person overall, to a really sad, physically ill, and self worrying being. Id wake up every morning exhausted, my eyes crusted over from crying so hard the night before. The thing about mental, emotional and verbal abuse is that it is exactly like physical abuse.. You just don’t physically see the bruises.

I finally got the courage to leave. It was not easy, as much as one would think it’d be easy to leave an abusive relationship. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, how happy you are, how mature, It is easy to get caught up in these things because its like a frog being slowly boiled in water. But I did it anyway. I was sick of not being my self.

I started doing Capoeira, which is a martial art from Brazil. It really has changed my life. Or in other words, maybe not CHANGED it but has helped me find my roots again and feel like the best person I can be. It teaches me so much. I have only been doing it a month and I am by no means a pro or anything but it is incredibly fun. Everyone is so nice to me too, and I used to be worried about being judged but I never once have felt judged while doing capi. I just am so thankful for everyday. I feel like my self again for the first time in two years. I feel healthy. I feel happy. Capoeira teaches me to be strong when I need to be strong and its ok to be weak when I need to be weak. To go slow when it calls for it and be able to go quicker when needed. Its not so much a demand, but going with the flow… needless to say.. I am super happy and where I need to be.

An old post from last year..

No matter what storm life brings to me, when the sun finally comes out again its always 10 times brighter than I ever imagined it could be. Sometimes thunderstorms aren’t even that bad, they don’t scare me like they used to, anyway.

I’ve really enjoyed the cold this year, maybe its because I finally have warm boots. I went outside on a very blustery day and I walked down to this part of Sylvan lake where it dead ends, which makes it easy to see the lake as a whole. The sun was setting on the half frozen water, diffusing the sun in to the prettiest color of light yellow. I was pretty sure that if I stayed any longer I would have gotten frost bitten, and maybe any other year prior I would have minded but this year I didn’t mind at all. Maybe its because of what i’ve been through in the last year but I think its probably because I am learning whats truly important to me and i’ve realised more than ever lately there is so much to be appricated in life. A ridiculously cold day, sitting in golden silence, a hard Spanish test, hearing my Dad sing to him self through the studio window, a gloomy day, finding old books under my bead, being able to write music again, feelings in general, every day that I wake up and my stomach doesn’t hurt, making someone laugh, laughing really hard, fat cats, amazing people making amazing music, the early morning that includes soft lights and soft sounds, being up till 8am just talking and laughing, crying my eyes out and then of course you know you gotta look in the mirror everytime you cry, laughing about crying and then looking at your self after you cry. I could go on forever about the tiny things that make up this life that make me feel something intense.
I am so thankful.

August Transitions

I love this time of year, it is magical really. It becomes so intense how you can just feel the change in the air, the heat of August always seems a little more hazy than july and you can feel fall coming. I always felt like fall was the new year rather than winter time.

I feel so many different things today (most days actually) and I feel them so deeply, I sit down to write what I feel and I am not really sure how to put it in words. I’m learning the song Lullaby right now and it reminds me how so many of my good friends are pregnant or have had babies.

I miss wearing sweaters with out sweating and I miss my winter boots to be quite honest. So many people get depressed in the winter time but for some reason I get depressed at times during the summer. I think it is because summer time is so extroverted and I am so introverted, it gets exhausting going so external sometimes. I am nervous and excited to start at a new school, and the possibility of moving to ferndale is exciting too. I feel like I need something, I haven’t figured out what it is though. Maybe I will this fall. I have much to be greatful for.

Feeling stupid and hallow, now the moon’s gonna fallow me home..

I feel sad today. Today has been a sad day. I feel extreme frusteration. There are just some people who don’t treat me like a woman but rather a small girl. I have a hard time with being belittled and pushed down into the snowy ground to be an inch tall. Even when one with the illusion of being naive and so very innocent tries to stand up for her self, not many takes her seriously still. It is true though that people can only make you feel these things if you allow it. Its hard to now allow it inside your self sometimes.  Being senseitive is a blessing and a curse at the same time in our world.

Being sober is my choice alone. While I have nothing against drinking or smoking, (or if you prefer both) the lifestyle has never appealed to me. When your the only person in the room without an altered conscious, it can make you feel alone and like a loser. No wonder why people give in to these things, when you don’t do them and everyone does, it can really feel awful. I love wine and will have a glass or two don’t get me wrong, i enjoy it in moderation. Even a person who may be drunk but offers good converstation is cool. I hate feeling like the debbie downer of parties all the time because I don’t drink. Or people will be amused by it, and there we go again.. that belittled feeling.  It is IMPOSSIBLE to be on the same level with someone who is high when you are not as well.

What do I do? I have three options. Number one: I start drinking/smoking. Number two: I just don’t surround my self with it with the risk of looking snobby and ridiculous. Number three: just deal with it. Number three has been probably the best option for a long time.

Sigh.

Also, I feel like I have been taken advantage of latley. But you know what, if i have learned anything thus far you can not offer people anything expecting anything in return. ugh i guess all this is normal. i just feel more irritated then normal today for some reason. The path less taken can be lonley and confusing but I will continue to take it in hopes it gets me to my destitionation…

Its funny…

you know, how things can change. I never believed that anyone could change who they were but what I am learning, is people do change. But only when it is on their own terms and they are ready to become a better person and most importantly, its for them selves and no one else. I’ve learned such a great deal about forgiveness in this year of my life. Life has been testing my patience and kindness, and I think I am doing alright. I learn something everyday.

Sabrina had Miss beautiful Catalina Rose! It is hard to find the words to express what that experince was like. I was there in that room, me Tiff and Beth.  Beth held one leg, while I held the other and Tiff held her up whenever she would have contractions. I saw everything, I saw the first breath she took and her first blink. We were all there. The look Sabrina gave me after she was born, was like looking into a big beautiful ocean of emotion. She said “Jess.” because its all she could say, and just grabbed my hand. We both cried pretty hard. I am so happy for Sabrina, and let me tell you, Cat is the most beautiful baby in the world. It reminded me how excited I am to have my own baby some day. I feel so blessed to have been the one who got to be in the room, Beth cut the cord! Cat is just the cutest baby i’ve ever seen. I now understand what they mean by “instant love”. Its beyond anything I have ever felt in my life.

I love my life. I love school, and I love reading for school. I love learning and I love that my mind feels more open than it ever has. I love that I have goals for my self and I am actually working torwards them. I love life..

Its a typical quiet, mid january afternoon. The snow is falling quite slowly and leaving a little dusting on everything in its path. In all reality, there is so much beauty outside at the moment, even the cold is refreshing. I just feel so silent. Even though all I feel like doing latley is singing my lungs out and making music. I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I feel things within my self that are so deep its hard to make any sense of these intense emotions I feel. Its like the deepest part of the ocean that is hard to discover because of its harsh conditions.

moonrises

Its cold outside, and the snow is gone once again but for some reason it always feels much colder when theres nothing white on the ground to absorb the cold wind. This is the first night since my brother and his girlfriend have been home that I haven’t spent all day with them and all night. I miss them already. I really am not ready to go another 8 months with out seeing them. Especially my brother, I really feel so close to him and sometimes it gets really hard with him being so far away. Its been so much fun having him and his friends around. Its very lonley in my house tonight. Its been used to being filled with laughs and wine for the last week or so. The night is quiet, and the lights are low and my parents may go to bed before five tonight.

The last couple months have been rocky but I am doing very well now. I’ve gotten to see many old friends latly, and re-newed some bonds that needed renewing. Tiff found a great guy, and shes so happy. So of course I am very happy for her, but I miss her a lot. So much new news latly, Emily got married! I want to get married some day, sigh. Haha. Not only that but a very old friend of mine just informed me he is clean off herion now, and is going to premed school next year.

I often find my self feeling very nostalgic in the winter. I have learned many things, number one is that once you love someone you always care for them no matter what horrible things they may have done. I decided I don’t believe there are bad people but people who make bad choices, and have a lot of problems. Granted there is no excuse to treat someone in a bad way but I guess sometimes there are reasons even if they are not good ones. Life is really so interesting. I guess its really what you want to make of it. I’ve been through a lot this year, purhaps not a lot compared to some people though. But surgery, bad living situations, death, friends with problems but for every bad thing that may have happened to me this year there were 10 beautiful memories or situations to compinsate. I am exhausted. I feel like I haven’t slept in years. I think I will go do that now.